This year there will be no wassail for me.

I've learned some things in recovery, one of them being that sobriety is a gift I give myself, a freedom, not a burden. And that the mindset of "substitution" is likewise one that keeps me trapped in old ways.

Many people new to recovery, still clinging to their old life in panic ask if it's OK to drink alcohol free wine or beer. What will life be if they can't have a beer at a barbacue?!!!!

I KNOW that feeling. I also applied that to mac and cheese. What's the point of living without mac and cheese?

So I face my first Winter Solstice sober. And the critical ritual at my Solstice observance is the passing of the wassail and drinking it to seal the covenant to take another, intentional and willing ride around the Sun. Now, how can one do that without wassail? Should I use alcohol free beer and wine? My mind was furiously darting here and there...fruit tea...brewed strong...it wouldn't taste the same but....

I had to step back and breathe. I had to ask myself what really matters. Alcohol free wassail isn't the point. The holy meaning of the event is the point. All throughout history humans have observed the Solstice, and that has included different foods, rituals, traditions in different times and cultures. The Sun will still rise if I don't have wassail.

The panic settles. I'll be using hot cocoa with orange and cinnamon. I will have chili and eat it over whole cooked grain instead of corn bread on the side, because those are foods that are part of my new lifestyle. Bread can set me off on a binge as much as a shot of tequila can. Last year I made saffron laced oat bannocks to eat at the ritual. I might do that again. There are a lot of options for food and drink. All throughout history and cultures people have enjoyed good food. There is no shortage of amazing options available to me.

When I focus on the wassail and bread and all I am being denied, it's hard to be in a holy day frame of mind. When I let that go and enjoy some of the other things life has to offer, I am freed to focus on the actual point of the holy day...the opportunity to pause and reflect on my life, beliefs, choices and gratitude for the Sun.

Many people will be celebrating Christmas with people who have altered their diet or drinking habits. This is not a cause for panic, blame, guilt or a frantic search for substitutes. It's time to try a new recipe, not just the old one patched up to meet the new need, with an apologetic "it doesn't taste half bad" or "I'm sorry it's not (insert food here) but James had that heart attack..." There is no need to apologize for setting a table of wonderful food.

It's been important in my recovery to not spend the rest of my life trying to find a substitute for drugs and alcohol. My life is better when I find different ways of enjoying life, dealing with scary situations and spending time. I decided to apply that same principle for the holidays. I'm not spending hours furiously seeking wassail recipes that don't have beer or wine in them. Then testing this one and that one. I'm just going to have something different. I'm freeing myself for other pursuits.

Winter Solstice is an apt metaphor for recovery and renewal. There was this dark in my life, and it got really damned dark, and then...the light shines again. The Sun rises and I can see my way to walk forward. Actually, there would be something out of whack there if I were to honor that with some mocked up booze free substitute for wassail. Because wassail isn't the point. That's recovery, resetting the compass so I can find my way.

Winter Solstice is one of my favorite holy days.

It cuts like a sharp knife through the density of my thickening seasonal depression. It cleaves Winter into what comes before, and what comes after.

Many people celebrate a festive holiday/holyday at this time of year. Gifts, nog, song, dance, and rich rich food. I admit my Solstice observance is more sombre, but no less memorable, and no less tasty.

Midwinter is not unlike midlife. Suddenly forces internal and external make it clear that something is changing in a very real way. In midlife we look back over our lives thus far, our successes and failures, our youth and our dreams. We peer into the future wondering if we have enough energy, resources and health to push forward, to achieve our goals. On the one hand we laugh and say "life begins at 40!" even as our friends throw us an over the hill birthday party with a tombstone shaped cake. It's a time to wonder, to worry, yet still to celebrate.

Midwinter is when the weather gets serious. The cold no longer comes in snaps, it's constant and thick. The nights are long, and longer and then longest of all. The leaves have all blown from the trees.

I was out walking today, the pecan tree has only a few stubborn nuts clinging to it. Below it are mostly the blackened hulls and the dud nuts with only withered meats in them. The heavy nuts have been gathered, by people, by squirrels and crows. When I look out into the woods the tops of the oaks are heavy with leaves, but it is the mistletoe I see, now exposed. Where I live the oaks are thick with it, some trees seem nearly leafed out there is so much mistletoe.

As I sat visiting with a friend, I noticed there were no ants about. There is no snow on the ground, but the ants are missing. When we sat together here at crossquarter in early November, the ants joined our picnic, moving more slowly than usual, but they were there.

Yet the Winter is not over, inside I realize it's barely begun. I shudder. It's a long time till spring. In my case I worry that the depression will deepen. In older times, people worried over resources...food, fuel...health, and yes, then too their mental state. Would all those things hold out till Spring?

In a celebration of hope, of light in the midst of darkness, of community, and the food and fuel we DID put away in the Autumn harvest, we celebrate.

The cow will soon go dry, and the hens will cease to lay but we take the last milk and eggs for nog. The cider is hard. The fruit dried in the Summer Sun is brought forth and baked into lovely things. Nuts are shelled, and the Summer's milk is still to be had in the form of cheese.

Which brings me to today's recipe. Pan de higo. Fig bread.

Pan de higo is a lovely dense cake of ground dried fruit, nuts, seeds, honey and spice. It's a lovely accompaniment to cheese. It keeps a long time, and is one of those things that, like cheese, improves with age.

My Winter Solstice meal is simple. A feast of sorts, but a less laden table. Food is no less wonderful or celebratory for being simple. While Christmas and Yule may be "eat, drink and be merry" holidays, Solstice is more of a taste and see how good this is. Yes, it's good. We are sustained, well fed on a lovely starry night.

My meal consists of bread and soup or stew. Not the sweet breads of Christmas, but good hearty solid bread. Plain enough to appreciate the goodness of the grain.

The soup can be whatever recipe brings to mind security, comfort, sustenance.

And with it let there be Pan de higo and cheese. A dessert that tastes of the good earth, that reminds us we are sustained through the dark times by what we put away in the time of plenty. Age does not merely wither and dry us, but it cures us, we deepen and mellow and our hidden natures are revealed.

Pan de higo is one of those things that has no one recipe. A basic pan de higo is made with dried stemmed figs, ground and mixed with almonds, sesame seeds, honey and some spice. Enough brandy is added to help it all stay together, then its rolled into a cake or log and allowed to mellow.

I prefer my nuts untoasted, and I don't drink alcohol. I like my food spicy, and this year I decided to use dried cherries rather than figs. I've made and loved the traditional pan de higo, but you know us cooks, we like to change things up.

I use my coffee grinder to grind the almonds and sesame seeds into flour. I softened the cherries with a bit of water and heated them in the microwave. I used my Kitchen-aid mixer to do the heavy work, though I've done it by hand many times. A food processor would do both the grinding and mixing, but i don't have one of those.

Grind the dried fruit of your choice (mix and match if you want) in the food processor or mixer. Add the seasonings of your choice. I use cinnamon, ground yellow mustard powder, chile powder (NOT chili seasoning which has salt, and other spices, JUST the powdered chile itself), fine ground black pepper, and a small amount of salt. Anise is a common ingredient. Ginger and cloves are often used as well.

Let it mix and add the ground almonds and sesame seeds. You'll have to watch your proportions, we are aiming for a stiff non sticky paste. If you prefer things sweet, you might care to add honey. If you like wine, ale or brandy, you can add a dash of that. I use a few teaspoons of balsamic vinegar.

Keep tasting and adjusting until you get the desired consistency and taste. Some people like to keep some nut chunks in it, I prefer mine ground. Make sure everything is well blended. Then take the paste and form it into logs about two inches in diameter, or a wheel shaped cake an inch and a half thick. Wrap in plastic wrap, parchment and store in a tightly covered container in the fridge. Some people place a weight on their pan de higo, but mine is already about as dense as it can get, so I haven't bothered. Let it ripen. That can be as short as overnight or as long as...well, a very very long time if kept refrigerated, and it freezes well too.

Before serving allow it to come to room temp, slice thin and serve with cheese. It's amazing.

Once the basic paste is made, it's easy to change up the spices...one with less sweet and more mustard and black pepper. Another with the familiar ginger and cinnamon of holiday baking. It's part of the fun to play with the seasonings.

Pan de higo makes great gifts for people who enjoy cheese. The flavor is sharp and rich and somehow right. It tastes honest and earthy. It tastes of Sunshine stored away for winter. It is a blessing on the tongue.

May your Winter Holidays be exactly what you need them to be, may we all be sustained, and awakened to the ways in which we are blessed.

This blog is the second in a series on Late Winter cooking. Whether we are doing it for religious reasons, such as Lent, practicality, Spring cleaning, or because we spent too much over the holidays and have to stretch the budget, we are eating our way through our pantries and freezers.

Most of us who like to cook have a category of food which has worked it way back into the dark recesses of the pantry, something we bought for a recipe. I looked through my own pantry and this is what I found: a can of a canellini beans, left behind by my last room mate, mandarin oranges, a bottle of capers, crackers, half a bag of shredded coconut, dried cranberries, a can of cranberry sauce, two cans of cream of mushroom soup, 2 cups of dried daal.

I've done some snooping (with permission) in other folks pantries and here were some of the things in their pantry. Can of beets, canned green beans, crushed pineapple, Cake mix in various random flavors, boxes of jello, a bag of brown sugar (now turned to concrete) molasses, jar of curry powder, half boxes of crisp rice cereal, pasta in every shape imaginable.

Do some snooping in your own pantry. Take all the BIFR (bought it for a recipe) items out and put them on the table or counter. If you have any items that you have taken out, looked at and asked yourself "when am I ever going to use this?" and then put it back in your cabinet, include that as well. Marvel. Do the inevitable past date culling. Separate that into what can be composted or put out for the birds and squirrels and what has to be tossed. Take the extra moments to empty the containers and recycle them. Dump what needs dumping.

Take a look at what is left. Now, you might decide to take the item and go ahead and make that recipe, if you even remember what it was. But if that means going out and purchasing seven other items, and the point is to keep things simple, that might not make sense. You can google that item and "ingredient" or "recipe" and see what you come up with. If you find something scrumptious AND you can honestly say you will cook that recipe before March 21, keep the item. Set those things aside.

Do you have cabin fever? If often hits at this time of year, so the next suggestion might be just right for you. E-mail some of your friends, tell them you are doing a pantry raid and challenge them to the same. Pick a date and have a potluck, everyone brings a dish using at least one item they've culled from their pantry, and they can bring a few others in a bag and everyone can pick and choose. This is a LOT of fun, trust me you will laugh your heads off. Oh, and it's a great time to use up those various teas and flavored drink mixes we found in our search as well.

Soup, salad, sandwich! Some of those cans can be emptied into the soup pot. Canned beans are a healthful addition to a salad, or a wonderful salad in themselves, cold and rinsed and seasoned. If you've never had a baked bean sandwich you're missing something wonderful. Soup, salad, sandwich are three amazingly versatile categories, and a great time to think out of the box. I am not kidding when I suggest you try some shocking new combinations. Crunchy peanut butter and cranberry sauce sandwich. Pork and bean soup with crackers crumbled on top. and drained crushed pineapple on a fresh salad..yes it's great with Italian dressing! Canned beets are great in a cold salad too, and canned beet/mandarin orange salad is to die for! Don't forget those spices and seasonings you have tucked away.

Macaroni mayhem. It makes no difference what shape the pasta is, there is a quick sauce or plain old butter and salt to eat it with. Large pastas can be broken into smaller bits. Pasta salad anyone? It tastes as good in Winter as it does in Summer. And pasta is nice and easy way to get rid of the randoms soups too!

Meatloaf. Boy oh boy can you get creative with meatloaf! Another great way to use up some canned soup, and those crackers or bread crumbs, or dry stuffing mix. Canned veggies chopped and mixed in. Did you know that any not sweet cereal can be used in place of bread crumbs or oatmeal in meatloaf? Hurray! there goes those Rice Krispies! Those bottle of seasonings and spices? Curried meat loaf is yummy.

Dump cake! A good way to get rid of jello, canned fruit, dried fruit. (soak dried fruit for a little bit first), and pudding mixes.

Some of us are simply never going to do some of the things above. Nearly every community I know of (and many many churches) have a food pantry. If the items are in their original unopened package and not past date consider bringing them there. Even spices. Even the 12 grain breakfast cereal and jar of capers. Trust me, all sorts of people find themselves down and out and needing the food pantry at times. Imagine yourself in that situation. How tired would you be of canned soup, peanut butter sandwiches and spaghetti and sauce? What if you have a personal commitment to eat healthy and everything at the food pantry is super processed? What if you are from a different culture? Wouldn't it be lovely if you went to the food pantry and there was something wonderful like that?

I have another idea, since we are talking food pantries and many of us DO make donations, not just clean out the cabinet sort. I never bring something to the food pantry that I would not feel comfortable eating myself or feeding to my children, unless the food pantry itself asks for specific items (they often have a list).

Any thing that is left, can be thrown away. WHAT! Waste food! If you are never going to eat it, you have already wasted the money, so you are losing nothing, and gaining space for things you WILL use. Again, empty the can or box for recycling, dump the rest. After you've done this, guilt or thriftiness  will make you think twice before buying a food item you will never use again, or letting the remainder of it moulder until it's not useable anymore. This entire process is actually a very good spiritual and psychological practice.

Of course this won't be accomplished all in one day, that's OK. We have six wonderful weeks of Late Winter to attend to it, but don't put it off, at least not the initial culling, because we haven't even started on the freezer! Oh my! Basically it's the same process. If you can do the initial culling in the same week it will help you meal plan etc, since you will know what all you are working with. When you do your freezer please wear gloves. Handling frozen food for even a short time can do damage to unprotected hands.

Yes, this blog is about food, but the same process can be applied to our linen closets, (yes, swap with your friends). Clothes closet ( many schools have clothing closets these days, as do communities, this is above and beyond the thrift store) Appliances and tools (awesome to swap these) and the various cleaning supplies, paints, fertilizers, weed killer, insecticide and other potential hazardous chemicals. If you can't swap them among friends, call your local sanitation dept. They have a hazardous waste drop off point. If you don't already know what to do with used batteries or broken appliances ask them, they have the answer.

For some of us, this will be an eye opening, soul opening process. We WILL think twice when we shop. Maybe the super large family size looks like a great deal, but not if we end up not using it. If we want a less than critical kitchen gadget or appliance we very likely can find a used one in good or even new condition at the thrift store.Think yogurt maker, ice cream maker,bread machine or an extra coffee grinder just for spices. I have bought all of these in great condition for a song. Before we buy something that contains poisonous chemicals, e-mail among our friends and find out if they have some they don't know what to do with.This not only saves money and prevents waste, but it builds a sense of community.

Enjoy this exercise in mindfulness.