I discovered something about myself a lot of years ago, that sometimes in order to feel authentic gratitude, I needed a chance to process some other feelings first. So, before the holiday of Thanksgiving, I've gotten into the habit of doing some meditations.
Some years, I got together with others and created an evening group meditation to share this process with others, and other years, like this one, circumstances leave me to do it alone. It works either way. The word contemplation may be more accurate, because this is not a "sit and focus on your breath" activity, it's more of a stroll back through the previous year, and sometimes decades...to come to terms with some things.
I think that we all do have genuine gratitude within us, but sometimes, like our favorite undies or socks...it's at the bottom of a pile of more mundane things. We can find it, but it's a process.
I like Thanksgiving, because for me (I live to far from my family of origin, so we celebrate with friends) it's a low stress holiday, and I like to cook, and none of us are really into football, so after dinner we go for a walk and then play some games. It's a really nice day. No gifts to buy, no family to impress, no cards to address and no sticky religious resentments to get past. It's all good...except sometimes I can't just think of something meaningful that I am grateful for off the top of my head.
Ok.Yeah...my friends, the table groaning with food...but I mean at some deeper level, something that I am deeply and profoundly grateful for. I want that, I want to feel a gratitude so deep that my heart catches in my chest when I think upon it.
Seems like a tall order, huh? It is, but I've found it's doable if I take the time to find it.
I write...well, I guess that is obvious since I blog here, so when I do this exercise on my own, I grab a pen and my journal, but this can be great to do with a friend, or even a group of willing acquaintences and a stranger or two. Sometimes it's even better that way..because the frank sharing that can take place, because I find myself identifying with the others, because it can be very healing to release our feelings in the presence of others and have them acknowledged.
So, where to begin...Alone, or with the group, I find that some quiet time is a good place to start. Some candles and music can help set the tone, anything that gives the sense of setting time aside, leaving the hustle and bustle behind to focus on this task. Just sitting in candle light, with some soothing music really has an effect on most people...candles call us to a different type of attention and awareness. We use them in ritual...birthdays, weddings, special dinners, they signify that something special is happening and that we should pay attention. A candle has fire, we must be careful with it, that also calls us to attention, and awareness, yet their light is calming, forgiving, and the flickering flame feels alive, the light is a warm light, in invites us to feel safe, cozy.
In a group, I sometimes begin this sitting in quiet with a relaxation exercise, talking people through a simple visualization and exercise to release stress, and shed the demands and worries of the day, giving them permission to put those things down, and fully enter into the spirit of the meditation. Whew...that feels good!
Then there is the year in review...going month by month, writing or speaking of some things that happened to us...in a group we can go round, taking turns, naming something that happened last Dec...go round, Jan..go round...calling to mind the various events. Or do this in a journal, or simply in your mind to yourself. Wow, it was a year fraught with incident...was it not? It's good to get a handle on just how much and what went down since we last came to table. Take time with this, as you go, more things will come to mind...jot them down...and you might find when you get to August...you recall something from Jan...jot it down...you will find yourself smiling, smarting, marvelling and cringing...all in turnl. Nothing is too small or stupid to include...if it meant something to you, if your mind holds it as an event to be remembered, jot it down.
]
Another exercise is to make categories...like a list of things that made you laugh in the past year, a list of things that scared you, surprised you, hurt you, etc. You can do this alone or in the group.
Or...a list of things you are ready to leave behind, and a list of things you want to carry forward into the next year.
Something you learned about yourself, something you learned about a friend, about your job, about your family, about a hobby, about the world, about your beliefs...etc...in the past year.
you get the idea of how this review exercise works...any of the above, or a combination of them will be really revealing.
Sometimes in order to feel gratitude, we feel the need to have our hard to be thankful for moments validated. I call this the airing of lamentations. In a group, in the subdued lighting...it's really powerful to let people speak on something from their past year, or anytime in their life really, that is sorrowful for them. We don't have to go round robin, we can just let people speak when they are moved to speak. To share whatever ache, fear or resentment that they are holding inside them.
Even when I am alone, I find it useful to do this part outloud. To hear the emotion in my voice as I go there, to hear myself the way I would hear another, and thus, to find some sympathy for myself. Because I often find myself lsess sympathetic toward my own misfortunes than those of others. But hearing pain, hurt, shock and anger outoud, I find myself wanting to reach out and give myself a hug.
Stories...of holidays past...any story that comes to mind...could be a horror story that needs to be released, or a joyful memory. Most of us have both types of stories from holidays past. Getting in touch with the things we love and hate about the holidays is a powerful thing. We often discover that we have both feelings toward the holiday, drad as well as anticipation, things we adore and things we cringe at. Being honest about that is freeing. And identifying what our issues are, can help us from repeating them. We may find ourselves dreading a holiday this year, over something that happened 7 years ago, and cannot possibly be repeated...so we see we can let that issue go this year, because this year it's not an issue. We might be able to strategize about how to avoid something that is a recurring issue, by identifying it beforehand. And we might recall something that gave us pleasure and satisfaction in the past, that we can include in this year's holiday observance.
By this time, after these exercises, most of us will have uncovered some things we are truly grateful for, not something we have to grudgingly say, or something that we say because we feel like we OUGHT to be grateful for, but something that we genuinely feel a deep gratitude for. That is an awesome feeling, something to be celebrated.
We might even find ourselves wanting to share it...to write a thank you note to someone who did us a solid in the pst year, or a note to a friend reminding them of a great day we had together, or a shout to the Universe for a break it tossed our way when we really needed it. If so moved, take the time to do that during the holiday season.
At this point, I really like putting my gratitude into action...with a note, or some decorating, or cooking, or setting a date to get together with a friend. Because feelings put into action, for me, are deeper felt. And gratitude is something pleasant to experience. Some of us may find a church service to go to, there are ecumenical ones offered in many areas if you don't have a faith home of your own.
I've often enjoyed going out and collecting greens to make a wreath, or buying candles to light our holiday table, to use the little boost of joy I feel to propel me forward.
What if I get stuck in lamentations? What if this is a year without bounty? Perhaps the first year celebrating without a loved one who was lost to death or seperation in the past year...or maybe there is no money for a feast, or a child is dangerously ill, or a relationship ending. How does one celebrate a holiday under those circumstances.
Well, holidays are not meant to neccessarily BE celebrated, they are meant to be observed. That is, they are days set aside to pause and reflect on a certain subject. There is no right or wrong way to do that. Maybe this year you are called to observe how emptiness feels, how fear feels, how resentment feels. Maybe this year you feel cheated through and through, and you do feel like an outsider looking in. You can observe that. You can even honor it, and live it and immerse yourself in it. That may be the most authentic way for you to observe the holiday. Allow yourself to feel that...what is your gut reaction when you hear others talk about their holiday plans. When a coworker complains about having to go to the inlaws....do you find your inner self grumbling "at least you HAVE inlaws...you ought to be grateful", do you feel left out because you are vegetarian and your family picks fun at you? Do you resent having to take part in the Kris Kringle exchange because money is so tight you can't pay the electric bill? Or do you just hate what feels like a totally fakery and farse...people being nice to people they hate, buying gifts for people they don't care about, eating and drinking to excess, and feel put upon that you are pressured to participate? There is no rule that you HAVE to be happy. Go ahead and call then on Wed night and tell them you have the flu...you do, an emotional flu that keeps you from partaking in that particular type of activity on that day. Think about what would suit you to do on that day, what is authentically what YOU would like to do, given the circumstances at hand...you can't magically alter the world, but there may be some alternative observance that would fit your mood better than the traditional one. You have my permission to pursue it.
Taking the opportunity to honor your genuine feelings is not the same as wallowing in negativity. It's one thing to sit home and plot how to blow up your ex's new car, and another to say "I am just not up to hanging out with the cousins this year". Grief, exhaustion, and self preservation are not negative emotions, they are a normal part of being human, you don't have to justify them or apologize for them.
I have found that taking the time for this contemplation/meditation has vastly improved my experience of the holiday season. I've been able to revamp the way I observe the holidays, and transform them into something I can handle. A great deal of my dread has gone away, and I've identified some things I really like about them, and find a way to work those aspects into the season.
One of the final aspects of this pre holiday meditation is for me to agree to be open...to acknowledge that in doing the previous exercises, I found I could be surprised by life, and allowing that something in the upcoming holiday may have the ability to surprise me, and to agree to not shut that down. That's all. Just to agree to not shut down, but to OBSERVE. To be willing to see something that maybe I haven't seen before.
This is an early holiday gift I've learned to give myself, and this year I offer it to you. It comes with no obligation, feel free to regift it if it doesn't fit. It sure has been an interesting year.
Post a Comment